Just Do You

I went to an International Convention of a self-help program this past weekend in Baltimore and although my head is still crammed full of great information I learned on how to focus on and take of myself, there was one message that really resonated with me, that still rings in my head. I will have to leave one word out since it is a bad word, but the statement this lady made during her sharing in a meeting was powerful despite it and maybe because of it. The lady (we’ll call her Tonya) shared how she was raised by parents who always pushed her to achieve more, do more, be more and thus she felt she was never good enough, and that she could never please her mother no matter how hard she tried. In a 12-step program she learned to let go of the resentments she felt over that, found she could “detach with love” from her parents when needed, and to just be herself. Her advice to the rest of us seated in the room? “You don’t need to do sh–!”

In our efforts to be liked and loved by others, many of us are often “people-pleasers,” sometimes at the expense of denying ourselves opportunities, peace of mind and even freedom and happiness.  We had a group of thirteen friends from our home group in Cecil County, Maryland at the convention and we often tried to stick to the same schedule and do things together (ie., eat meals together, walk or ride together, volunteer together, go to workshops or socials together, etc.) Sometimes it worked, but once in awhile we broke off in twos or threes or fours since it was tough for everyone to stay together. At one point I found myself alone, without anyone in my group. Several of us had agreed to meet a certain time and place and then go to lunch, but somehow I missed the group. (There were, after all, four thousand people at the convention!) By the time I stood in line for a bathroom break, looked for them and then called to find out where they were I realized I’d be rushing to get there and eat with them and would then be late for the next workshop I wanted to attend. I did make an attempt, walking a block in the direction of the restaurant, and then stopped short, turned around and went back to the convention center to get a snack to hold me over and get to my workshop on time. At first I felt a small sting of disappointment…hurt they had left me, and fear I was “missing out.” But then I put my 12-step program into action…I let it go, I got something to eat, I basked in a few peaceful moments to myself in the beautiful sunshine outdoors, and realized I was enjoying my own company! I also got to the next workshop on time while the rest were late…and as a result, was called on to share. The topic? “How to make amends to yourself.” Here is something I found in a book titled, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do” which for me crystallizes what I have learned in recovery:

1. Don’t waste time feeling sorry for yourself
2. Don’t give away your power
3. Don’t shy away from change
4. Don’t focus on things you can’t control
5. Don’t worry about pleasing everyone
6. Don’t fear taking calculated risks
7. Don’t dwell on the past
8. Don’t make the same mistakes over and over
9. Don’t resent other people’s success
10. Don’t give up after the first failure
11. Don’t fear alone time
12. Don’t feel the world owes you anything
13. Don’t expect immediate results.In the grand scheme of things, I know the only one I really have to please is God, and that He is the only one who loves me unconditionally. And so I offer this prayer from David for those of you reading this today: “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” (Psalm 139:14-16) And finally I want to add this message from Saint Paul:  “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Gal. 1:10). Happy Monday!