I was a contestant recently in a Toastmasters International Speech contest on the “Division” level (for those non-Toastmasters, basically the third tier in a four-tier contest from which the winner goes to the annual global contest and the “crowning” of the next “World Champion of Public Speaking.” I had already won the first two tiers and was competing against five other people from the Delaware-Maryland region to give the best 5-7 minute speech I could that hopefully carried a meaningful message to the audience.
My speech was titled “Give Grace a Chance.” I have often heard from my sponsor in my 12-Step program that because I have received grace from God, I need to extend grace to others who are pushing my buttons, even when it’s hard, to show them love, kindness, forgiveness and give them second chances. I told my story about receiving grace from God to get sober, and then turning around to struggle with giving grace to one of my family members, but ultimately being able to open up my heart enough to do just that. The idea of “grace” used to be a foreign concept to me but it’s one that I know has definitely saved me and improved my relationships. I wanted to pass onto the audience the idea that it’s good to be open to receiving grace and giving it to others.
Did I win? No, I didn’t even place in the top three. We drew numbers to go first and I drew the number one position. There I was, my speech flowing nicely when on came a piercing beam of light right into my eyes. The AV projector, set up for a later presentation, unexpectedly popped on, and behind me, I knew, was a huge screen showing some power point slide. In a flash I decided to carry on the best I could while two tech guides came up stage right (as I’m still speaking trying not to get distracted) to turn it off. I was told it took them three minutes. Meanwhile I kept on delivering my speech as I had rehearsed it a hundred times, working the stage, trying not to get caught in the beam’s glare. When mercifully it was over, I sat down and realized I had done a great job, the very best I could, I had delivered all of my lines, drew laughter and tears from the audience…and yet, I thought, this was so unfair! (None of the other contestants had to battle with this technical difficulty). I was upset, humiliated, angry, and only grew more so as I heard the names of the winners and I wasn’t one of them.
And then I remembered what I had told my sponsor was the reason I was doing the contest in the first place. “Not to win, although that would be great,” I said, “but win or lose, to deliver God’s message of grace.” So why did I feel so cheated, discouraged, depressed? I asked myself, why would God motivate me to deliver His message and then let something bad like that happen? And the next day (fortunately I can recover from these ego trips faster as I grow, but I’m only human) it dawned on me. I had delivered His message…a few people came up to me and talked to me about recovery and grace so I knew I had touched a few hearts…only winning, perhaps, wasn’t part of His plan. It had been part of mine and nothing was wrong with the desire to win…but if I held anger or despair in my heart, then I wasn’t carrying God’s message at all.
I guess I had shown grace under pressure and that would have to be its own reward. As St. Paul writes, “We also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance and perseverance, proven character, and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given us.” (Romans 5:3-5) As I said in my speech, when someone needs your grace I hope you’re able to show it to them…I hope you have the grace to dance to the music (or speak to the crowds!) and when you stumble, stand up and smile…and I hope you can open up your heart, enough to give grace a chance. By the way, I ended by singing this hymn: “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me; I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see.” Amen.
