I won a Toastmasters speech contest yesterday…it was the second round of contests on a journey to get to the Toastmasters International Speech Contest held annually to choose the “World Champion Public Speaker.” I felt good about my speech…I have had it in my head for months, on paper for weeks and practiced it for what seems like a thousand times and yet…I was still nervous as my competitors, I felt, were much better public speakers. Still I felt I had a message to impart about giving grace to others. It felt good to win…for about ten seconds. Then I was off thinking of my next round of competition…surely they will be even better speakers and bigger competition! What happened to my confidence? And what happened to my belief that if God put this speech on my heart, surely He would give me the courage and ability to speak it. Somehow along the way the desire to win overcame the desire to carry the message. Of course, I argued with myself, the other speakers may also be hearing God’s message – so what makes me think mine is more important? And then I realized, it doesn’t matter. I need to forget about trying to out-speak the competition and just stay in my lane, give my speech, and the rest is up to God (and the judges). I guess I was meant to give it to the audience I did at this one particular contest because after I did, I saw that a lady was in tears.
And the same can be said with my books. I often struggle with myself and with God, thinking if writing modern day novels based on Bible stories is His Will, why isn’t He helping me along the way? Why aren’t they selling more copies? Why aren’t they on the New York Times bestseller list yet? And my insecurity and resulting frustration grow until a point of doubt, anxiety and even anger overtake me. But I know that only if I stay in my lane and quit comparing my author journey to others can I find any true happiness in it. I do have a tendency to compare myself to others while all along I should just feel grateful that I have the gifts of writing and speaking that I do…because I do enjoy them and I do believe the messages I carry through both my books and public speaking are from God and can help others.
And isn’t that enough? Why do I always want more? Because it is part of my human nature I guess. But when I cross the line into someone else’s lane, I do get distracted, and it can even be dangerous. Imagine swerving into another lane on the highway. It might be a thrill for a minute, but then you lose the joy of the scenery while you desperately try to keep up with the car ahead so the car behind you doesn’t run you over. We all have our own paths to travel and sometimes they do cross and sometimes we have to push ourselves so we don’t get stuck…but as for me, I need to make sure I stop and smell the flowers along the way!
Finally I asked myself while reflecting on all of this today, when I die, what will really be important and remembered? Will I be saying I wish I would have sold more books? Or won a speech contest? Or will I be glad that I wrote what I did and spoke what I did if it meant helping just one other person, or making an impact in someone’s life?
St. Paul tells us, “for by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” (Ephesians 2:8-10) I have been shown much grace and need to pass it on through my works. And that is enough.
Well said.A good message for all.Hugs,Carol